Most people love their significant others. I think that’s a universal truth we can all agree on. If they don’t then there’s something going wrong with that relationship. If deep down in your core you don’t immediately get a little happier about your life just thinking about that special someone in your life then you fail at relationship. It’s that simple. Now, here’s the deal. I really love my girlfriend. For you to understand why I think I should explain that my past experiences with romance have ended very badly. Like, not funny anecdote badly but more anxiety attack and severe bouts of depression badly. There was the girl who dated me while living with the boyfriend she didn’t tell me about. That one stung a little. There was the one who dumped me over Facebook. Not with a message, mind you, she just changed her status to single the morning after our anniversary. Yeah, that hurt. I’m like a magnet for horrible relationships. If I were smart I would write a book about that because I’m sure it would sell really well and I could talk about the time a girl forgot to tell me she was on her period the first time we had sex and I thought my schlong was bleeding when I go on The Colbert Report to talk about my book.
But that all changed back in December when I met and began dating my current girlfriend Victoria. Now, we had a random encounter on an internet message board and we started talking because I made a joke using Disney movies as the basis for sexual roleplay scenarios and that I would totally dress up like Tarzan and make jungle love to someone while listening to Phil Collins. (Not the Phil Collins stuff from the Tarzan soundtrack though. More like Sussudio because then you get the double-whammy of the American Psycho reference as well.) We started talking because she thought I was funny, which I tried to tell her was impossible because of the numerous times I had bombed doing stand up comedy at open mics in Houston. She said that didn’t matter and we talked for a good four months doing online correspondence and trying to set up a meeting but being unable to swing it due to our complicated work/school schedules.
Once the semester ended however we decided to catch a showing of The Muppets and then followed it up with an exquisitely romantic dinner at Buffalo Wild WIngs. (I’m classy as shit, ya’ll) We talked for four hours in that Buffalo Wild Wings and two days later we were officially a couple. By officially I mean we changed our status on Facebook. Modern society dictates that the validity of love is determined by double-clicking a box on a social media site. I’m pretty sure they’re going to amend the constitution to include that soon. They’ll call it the “Zuckerberg Clause” and somewhere I’ll be facepalming so hard that I implode my own face. Then my girlfriend won’t think I’m handsome anymore and she’ll leave me for one of the creepy guys she works with. Then I’ll sue the government and Facebook and use the settlement money to get reconstructive surgery and make myself look less like Robert Kirkman.
Well fast forward to now. We celebrate our anniversary every month because we’re so lucky to have each other, what with our equally insane dating histories. I show her how much I love her by writing a love poem (which I have done at least once a month since I met her) and she reciprocated byBAKING ME CUPCAKES AND BUYING ME A PAIR OF FOAM RUBBER HULK HANDS!
Guys, did your girlfriend buy you Hulk hands for your anniversary? No, she didn’t. Because you’re not dating the best damn girl in the world. You’re not. Because I am. And if you think I won’t be wearing those hands toThe Avengers when we go see it next week then you’re an idiot. And I’m the Hulk. And Victoria will be Thor, because I have a foam rubber Mjolnir already and she has blond hair and is pretty enough to be Thor. I’ll have to get her a cape. She needs a cape.
So yeah, I just wrote an entire blog post about how I love my girlfriend because of the Hulk hands she bought me for my anniversary. That’s not the only reason. I need that to be clear. Because she is amazing. But come on, guys. Hulk hands.