In Which My Brother and I View The Magnum Opus “Fast Five”

Best Movie Ever

Best Movie Ever


My brother and I do a lot together. Mainly because he doesn’t have any friends. He often times will refer to himself as a “high functioning sociopath” and I tell him to stop watching episodes of Sherlock on the internet to which he replies with some sort of grunt that a true high functioning sociopath would never be caught uttering. So basically what he would normally do with close friends or associates he instead does with me. I don’t mind, as I feel that associating with him gives him the necessary amount of interaction with humanity necessary to keep him from devolving into a murderous troll. I like to think that spending time with him is an exercise in explaining the concept of empathy to him.

As someone who doesn’t have friends, he spends a lot of time in his room playing Star Wars : The Old Republic and listening to a myriad of podcasts. I listen to a smattering of podcasts as well, considering that my daily commute lasts somewhere around three hours and a trip to my girlfriend Tori’s house is an hour drive as well. I am a big fan of The Nerdist, WTF with Marc Maron, How Did This Get Made, and Comedy Bang-Bang. If you listen to the live recording of The Nerdist live in Austin, TX you will hear the hosts tell me that I look like Robert Kirkman. (I Do Not Know If This Is An Insult Or Not.)

There Can Only Be One!

The Same Person?


Anyhow, I mention this because my brother listened to the episode of “How Did This Get Made” where they discussed last year’s film “Fast Five” which I had seen in theaters (don’t mock me) THREE TIMES. Once in IMAX. He intoned that he had never seen this film. To which I replied, “Awww hell, son!” and suggested picking it up on Blu-Ray to watch that very evening. He felt this was a good idea, and as it is only once in a blue moon when we agree on anything, a plan was set.

We procured a copy of the film from a local big-box store and returned home to feast upon drive-thru fast food and carbonated sugar-waters.

Now. Let me say that my brother is easily agitated. He’s like a jungle cat. You can only poke him in the ribs with a stick enough times before he attempts to rape your face with violence. On this particular night, the object of his ire was the Blu-ray disc/player we were using. As he would insert the disc, the Universal logo would appear and then the whole screen would go dark and nothing would happen.

He repeated this action six times with the same result.

What follows is a transcript of his reaction:

Me: Maybe the player is just worn out. When was the last time you even used it?

John: It works fine. It always works fine.

Me: Mine burned out before. It happens.

John: Blu-ray is bullshit. This would never happen with a VCR.

Me: I don’t think you remember what VCRs were like.

John: Yes I do. You pressed play, you fast forwarded through the commercials, and the movie was presented to you in it’s cropped pan and scan glory. This Blu-ray stuff is shit.

Me: I can’t tell if you’re being serious.

He was. I think. Anyhow after the eighth attempt the movie actually played. But now my brother was getting annoyed at the constant appearance of the Universal logo, which by the time we got to the menu had appeared three times. After hitting “play” for the film, we were treated to the logo once again, to which he asked in a voice of rage that would make Lewis Black seem subtle, “HEY! DO YOU THINK UNIVERSAL MADE THIS MOVIE?!?! I JUST CAN’T BE SURE!!!”

I missed the first minute of the film because I was laughing.

We made it through the movie, bantering as we often do when there is not a theater full of people to stop us. We then spent an additional thirty minutes dreaming up ideas for Fast Six, which we both agreed should be the “Expendables” of car movies and somehow involve Ryan Gosling. Call us, Hollywood.


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